So many times there are so many things I want to say, of course I am in the most horrible places to write these things down - going to the bathroom, sitting in the tub, driving down the road - those are my thinking places. It all sounds good in my head and then I have to remember what I wanted to say...so here is my attempt...
Do you ever feel unworthy? Like what you aren't doing isn't measuring up to others? I'm talking about sharing my faith - showing my faith - living my faith. I read and see so many people and it just pours from their mouths like poetry and it's not all up in your face, but what I need to hear. But then I think about doing that myself and I get shy. I don't want my parents to know that I am growing in my faith. Why? I don't want to tell people. Why? Am I afraid they will think that all I will talk about is Jesus? Am I worried that I won't live up to what I want to do? I don't even want to put things on here that my parents will read about church and Jesus. Why? Am I afraid they will be proud of me? What is my problem????
When I was growing up, I would ask my dad questions about church. I wanted a one sentence answer, but being the daughter of a preacher, I got a whole lot more. And it got to a point in the conversation where I would simply say, "I don't want to hear anymore." I needed simple answers, but my dad was not about simple answers. I probably stuck my fingers in my ears a few times when he wouldn't stop talking. Being honest here.
I still have lots of questions, and I know where to go, but I don't. Not like I should. I read blogs and I am so jealous of their outpouring of faith and the churches they go to and the women's ministries they are a part of and all these women in their life who are amazing mentors. Yes, I am jealous. I want that. I want to go to a church and not look at someone who raises their hands like they grew a tail. It's not what I grew up with, and it was very odd when someone did it the first time, but why on earth did I judge them for praising in their own way. I want to go to a church or have a group of women who I can meet with and study the Bible, talk about things, laugh together, cry together, pray together. I want to be involved in a church that fits me and what I need. I have always said I did not like contemporary churches because of the bands and music, and wanted to stay in a more traditional church that sang hymns out of the hymnal, because that's what I grew up in - and I love it, but maybe I need more.
And here I am wondering what others will think of me for writing this. What are my parents going to think. What is my husband going to think (if he reads this)?
WHY AM I SO WORRIED?!?!?!?! I feel bad for worrying and then start to worry what God thinks of me. Yep, I have some issues.
I worry way too much about what people think of me. I worry they will not like me, or make fun of me, or something. I have all these ideas in my head about what I want to do, what I want to be like, what I know I should be doing...the road to hell is paved with good intentions. That should be scrolling across my forehead.
I pray every day, every night; I have been listening to Christian music and it makes a difference; I have been trying to keep up with my devotional, I need to do it in the morning. So what am I so afraid of? Am I afraid that something will happen and change me?
I have grown up in church. All I ever knew was church. But was I really open? I read a really good quote today from an author and blogger I have been following...
Not that there is anything wrong with a great sermon series...
I know I am rambling, and even started this post days ago, but afraid to really put myself out there....
I have even had nightmares about my losing a tooth and having my big toenail fall off - and I looked up dream interpretations and they both go along with fearing the disapproval of others. Go figure....
I just want to be me, but a better version of me. Maybe I have given myself the answer by writing this. Maybe I have known the answer all along.
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