I do a lot of thinking on my drive to and from work.
That can be a good thing, but also a bad thing.
One thing I have thought a lot about this year is how Christmas truly doesn't start until Christmas Day.
There are twelve days of Christmas and the first is on Christmas Day. Growing up we did not take down our tree until the 6th, and sometimes a few days after that.
I hear so many people saying Christmas is over. But it has just started!
And then I got to thinking about those that take down their Christmas the day of Christmas or the day after, and I am not bashing or saying bad about anyone, and I know people who put up their Christmas at the first of November, so in that case I would be ready to put it all away on the day after Christmas.
But what I wondered was when we put away all of our Christmas, are we also putting away our love for Christ. We build up during Advent (which is actually the time before Christmas Day), and we light our Advent candles at church, we talk about the birth of Christ and the angels and the wise men coming to visit, but after Christmas, we seem to put all of that away also. Our cheer is gone, our getting together with family is done, our diets start, our resolutions are made (which I don't think I kept a single one of mine from this past year).
I decided to do an Advent devotional this year, and it really opened my eyes to what Christmas is really truly celebrating. I have always known it was Jesus' birthday, and why we celebrate, but this year it was different. It was more meaningful. It makes me want to study the Bible A LOT more. I am so intrigued by it all. I don't want to put away Christmas because I feel like we will forget. Not really forget, but you know what I mean.
I had a really good point to all of this, and of course it will hit me when I am not at my computer, but I guess what I want to say is that Christmas is not over. We should really celebrate Christmas all year long because if it were not for Christmas, we would not have a Saviour!
There is a video somewhere that goes into detail about what the 12 Days of Christmas song really meant, and I will find it one day again. Just wish we could have Christmas spirit all the time. Now the Christmas grumpiness and car honking can go away for good, but we should spread cheer all the time.
I will stop my rambling now.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Expectations
Lately I have been thinking a lot about expectations and not meeting them. Mostly expectations of things I want to do and how I want things to turn out.
I told myself over and over again that Christmas this year was going to be better than ever. Lou and I would take Jake out one night and go look at Christmas lights and all smile at the beauty. That didn't happen. Either Lou was sick, Jake was sick, or I was sick, or I had to work late, or we didn't have Jake on the weekend. And the season slipped by once again. I did want to go out one night, but it was rainy, so on Christmas Eve we took the non-interstate way home to take Jake to his mom's and I saw lots of lights. That was our lights moment :)
I also told myself that one Friday when Jake was here we would bake chocolate chip cookies and all sit on the couches with the tree lit and watch Christmas movies. See reasons above as to why that didn't happen. I made some pumpkin bread, but that was about it. And it wasn't my best.
I feel like I build things up so much in my mind and when they don't happen just the way I want them to, I feel like everything is ruined. But it's not. There are so many other moments that are happening around that make those missed ones seem unimportant.
I want to have a tree that is overflowing with presents wrapped in brown craft paper and a homemade tag that I saw on Pinterest with twine or ribbon wrapped perfectly around the package. I used to LOVE to wrap presents. The gross amount of wrapping paper that I still own will attest to that. I LOVED to sit for hours and find the perfect sized box to put the present in and then wrap and make it look all pretty and then lay it under my tree. Well this year, Lou did all the wrapping except for a few gifts, and at first I couldn't handle how he wrapped, but had to get over it. Jake wrapped Lou's present, and at first I wanted to jump in and help, but I had to tell myself that it honestly does not matter what it comes in. My mom always uses bags. I couldn't stand it because I wanted to literally rip the paper off. Now I like bags.
I feel like I always set myself up for failure. I set my expectations so high that no one can obtain them. There will never be a perfect Christmas, that happened over 2000 years ago. There will always be lights to look at....stars in the sky, well once all this rain goes away. There will always be cookies and movies...Chips A Hoy Reduced Fat Chocolate Chip Cookies are always on the shelf, and movies can be watched any time, not just at Christmas. Wrapping paper isn't important...and the presents aren't either.
If you had talked to me last Christmas, I sounded like a complete and total spoiled brat. I knew how much money I was getting and I was going to spend every penny on myself. No one else. And I threw a big ole fit when Lou suggested we pool our money together. I'm talking heaving crying. But all I knew was to spend my money on myself. Now I have to share? How dare anyone ask me to share? Yeah. Not my proudest moment. Really can't believe I wrote it on here, but I want to be open and honest.
This year Lou and I unanimously agreed to take the money and pay off our only credit card. We don't owe much at all but we don't want to owe. And I was excited to get it paid off! I don't need anything. Lou and I exchanged gifts, but for once in my life I could not think of one single thing that I needed or wanted. I was a little shocked myself. Of course now I can think of a few things....but then on the Monday before Christmas our washing machine decided to stop working, well stop draining and then violently jerk. So the money we were going to use to pay off our card now went to a new washer, thanks to my incredibly gracious parents. We gotta have clean clothes.
I wrote in another post how devastated I was that Christmas was not going to be how I pictured it in my head. And I have really let that get me down. But why? The parents and my coworkers all asked me how my Christmas was and I said pretty good. But it was a good Christmas! Was it how I wanted? No. But did I get to do all that I wanted and see who I wanted? YES. Were there times I wished I was at home with just Lou and I? Of course. But just because my expectations don't turn out the exact way I picture them doesn't mean everything is ruined.
I don't need the most expensive car or purse or piece of jewelry wrapped perfectly in brown craft paper with a custom bow from Pinterest. I was happy watching Jake and Lou open their presents and my parents open theirs from each other. I need to stop setting myself for failure, and it's not really a failure if I don't do all of those things, but they happen in their own way, even though it's not the perfect Christmas I picture in my mind.
Just getting some thoughts out.
I told myself over and over again that Christmas this year was going to be better than ever. Lou and I would take Jake out one night and go look at Christmas lights and all smile at the beauty. That didn't happen. Either Lou was sick, Jake was sick, or I was sick, or I had to work late, or we didn't have Jake on the weekend. And the season slipped by once again. I did want to go out one night, but it was rainy, so on Christmas Eve we took the non-interstate way home to take Jake to his mom's and I saw lots of lights. That was our lights moment :)
I also told myself that one Friday when Jake was here we would bake chocolate chip cookies and all sit on the couches with the tree lit and watch Christmas movies. See reasons above as to why that didn't happen. I made some pumpkin bread, but that was about it. And it wasn't my best.
I feel like I build things up so much in my mind and when they don't happen just the way I want them to, I feel like everything is ruined. But it's not. There are so many other moments that are happening around that make those missed ones seem unimportant.
I want to have a tree that is overflowing with presents wrapped in brown craft paper and a homemade tag that I saw on Pinterest with twine or ribbon wrapped perfectly around the package. I used to LOVE to wrap presents. The gross amount of wrapping paper that I still own will attest to that. I LOVED to sit for hours and find the perfect sized box to put the present in and then wrap and make it look all pretty and then lay it under my tree. Well this year, Lou did all the wrapping except for a few gifts, and at first I couldn't handle how he wrapped, but had to get over it. Jake wrapped Lou's present, and at first I wanted to jump in and help, but I had to tell myself that it honestly does not matter what it comes in. My mom always uses bags. I couldn't stand it because I wanted to literally rip the paper off. Now I like bags.
I feel like I always set myself up for failure. I set my expectations so high that no one can obtain them. There will never be a perfect Christmas, that happened over 2000 years ago. There will always be lights to look at....stars in the sky, well once all this rain goes away. There will always be cookies and movies...Chips A Hoy Reduced Fat Chocolate Chip Cookies are always on the shelf, and movies can be watched any time, not just at Christmas. Wrapping paper isn't important...and the presents aren't either.
If you had talked to me last Christmas, I sounded like a complete and total spoiled brat. I knew how much money I was getting and I was going to spend every penny on myself. No one else. And I threw a big ole fit when Lou suggested we pool our money together. I'm talking heaving crying. But all I knew was to spend my money on myself. Now I have to share? How dare anyone ask me to share? Yeah. Not my proudest moment. Really can't believe I wrote it on here, but I want to be open and honest.
This year Lou and I unanimously agreed to take the money and pay off our only credit card. We don't owe much at all but we don't want to owe. And I was excited to get it paid off! I don't need anything. Lou and I exchanged gifts, but for once in my life I could not think of one single thing that I needed or wanted. I was a little shocked myself. Of course now I can think of a few things....but then on the Monday before Christmas our washing machine decided to stop working, well stop draining and then violently jerk. So the money we were going to use to pay off our card now went to a new washer, thanks to my incredibly gracious parents. We gotta have clean clothes.
I wrote in another post how devastated I was that Christmas was not going to be how I pictured it in my head. And I have really let that get me down. But why? The parents and my coworkers all asked me how my Christmas was and I said pretty good. But it was a good Christmas! Was it how I wanted? No. But did I get to do all that I wanted and see who I wanted? YES. Were there times I wished I was at home with just Lou and I? Of course. But just because my expectations don't turn out the exact way I picture them doesn't mean everything is ruined.
I don't need the most expensive car or purse or piece of jewelry wrapped perfectly in brown craft paper with a custom bow from Pinterest. I was happy watching Jake and Lou open their presents and my parents open theirs from each other. I need to stop setting myself for failure, and it's not really a failure if I don't do all of those things, but they happen in their own way, even though it's not the perfect Christmas I picture in my mind.
Just getting some thoughts out.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Christmas at the Mills' House
I LOVE Christmas. Love everything about it - except for the drama - haha!
I LOVE to decorate and pull out all of my Christmas goodies!
Here are a few pics!
Even though all of the decorations are put up, except for the tree and ornaments, I am still celebrating. Christmas actually starts on Christmas Day! We have 8 more days of Christmas!!
I am excited for the new year and want it to be a positive year!
Liz
Friday, December 26, 2014
Christmas 2014
I'll be honest - this was not one of those Christmases I will be raving about for years and look back on. It had some really really good parts, but there were other parts that were just down right not what I wanted to happen...
I have always dreamed what Christmas would be like growing up...and I will be honest, in years past it met every expectation...I loved spending the night at my parents house and since the boys had moved away they were always at mom and dads for Christmas and we would wait til they went to sleep and put out the presents and then wait until they woke up the next morning and everyone would open their gifts and we would all go out to the Opryland Hotel and eat brunch, then come home and fall into a food coma. Nothing better.
Last year was my first year to not wake up at my parents house, but it was my first Christmas being married and we had Jake on Christmas Day. It was a really good day because we opened presents, then my parents, sister and her family and my aunt and uncle came over and we had Christmas lunch. Then we went to Lou's grandparents for Christmas Day night. It was different, but it was a good different and I was excited to wake up on Christmas morning with my still new husband and step-son and see Christmas in a different way.
So this year Lou had to work on Christmas Day. I have known that he would have to work every other Christmas Day since we started dating, and it does not bother me because we do our Christmas with Jake on Christmas Eve Morning.
I had in my head that we would do all the Christmas Eve festivities with Jake in the morning and then head to my parents, maybe hit up a Christmas Eve service and then eat the traditional finger foods at mom and dads. We would take Jake home that night, and Lou and I would go to bed early because he would have to get up and go to work the next morning. I would head over to my parents and the boys would arrive and they would open their presents from Santa, we would eat lunch, I would hang out until it was time to go and meet up with Lou to go to his family's Christmas celebration...it would be perfect! I was so excited because this was probably the last year that Braxton would really believe in Santa, or hopefully he still believed. Thatcher is still at a good age. So I was so thankful that I was going to be there when they got to see what Santa had delivered.
I texted my sister a few weeks before Christmas and asked when Jaime would be dropping the boys off and she said 4pm. My heart immediately sank. I would have to leave before they got there to go home and meet up with Lou. I knew this would be the first Christmas since they were born that I would not get to spend time with them. I could see my perfect Christmas unraveling. I knew that Susan and her man friend would also be leaving sometime early the next morning with the boys to go to Minnesota. It would be early early the next day, so I was not going to get to see them at all at Christmas. They were not here for Thanksgiving (I was banned due to flu exposure), and now Christmas. The one holiday I love more than anything. The one holiday I would do everything in my power to make perfect.
There was no talking anyone into staying so my parents and I could see the boys. I begged and pleaded and bawled my eyes out because I was absolutely devastated that I would not get to see them on Christmas Day. I could not bare the thought. I was told that if I wanted to see them, I would have to call my ex-brother in law.
So I did. And he was incredibly gracious enough to meet up with Lou, Jake, and myself to have lunch on Christmas Eve so I could see the boys. I cried as we left the restaurant because they are growing up so fast and I know that they won't really want to hang out with their Aunt Liz for much longer. Those are my kids, those are my boys - not really, but you know what I mean.
Christmas Eve morning Lou made breakfast and then we opened presents and it was just perfect. We turned on Christmas Vacation and then got ready to head to Shelbyville to meet Jamie and the boys. Then we headed to my parents house and did Christmas presents and finger foods and we skipped going to a Christmas Eve service because we needed to get Jake back so he could spend Christmas Eve with his mom and step dad and then Lou would have to go to bed early. It all worked out, but the boys were not there and it was weird.
Lou woke up early and went to work and I woke up a little later and finished my Advent devotional for the season. I really enjoyed doing my devotional and it really opened my eyes and made me more aware of Christmas.
I eventually got up and ready and headed to my parents house for brunch and then watched them open presents. (We opened ours the night before.) It just didn't seem like Christmas Day. I took a long nap and then headed back home to get ready to go to Lou's family Christmas. It was good, just still didn't feel like Christmas.
Maybe I have been expecting Christmas to always feel a certain way and go a certain way and I have such high expectations that I am crushed when they don't go the way I planned in my head. Maybe I am seeing how it is going to be from now on. Family scattered, no one is together, running around from house to house.
I have resigned myself to the fact that Christmas will never be like it was. There are going to be lots more where I don't see my nephews, where my parents won't see their grandkids, and no one gives a second thought. I kept thinking that maybe I was just being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas day with my nephews and parents if I couldn't be with my husband. And I got to be with my parents, so there is always a plus side to it.
I was just happy to get it over with. And I know it could be a lot worse and that I did get to see my nephews, but I am also allowed to wallow in my self pity for a few. There are so many changes happening that I just can't wrap my mind around and certain actions that just make me shake my head. I won't ever know why people act and do certain things, but I have always said that family comes first, and I have learned that family changes and families dissolve, but you always go back to family.
I am so thankful that Lou and I have our family with Jake and that we find joy in celebrating with him. Those moments made my Christmas.
I needed to get this out. I needed to talk about it and not have anyone say anything. I am tired of explaining why I am upset and being told I shouldn't be upset, but I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to vent my frustrations. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be about spending time with family. And I got to do that, just wish things would go back the way they were. With Lou and Jake included.
Just needed to write.
It's just the second day of Christmas, and I am going to start looking forward to the new year.
I have always dreamed what Christmas would be like growing up...and I will be honest, in years past it met every expectation...I loved spending the night at my parents house and since the boys had moved away they were always at mom and dads for Christmas and we would wait til they went to sleep and put out the presents and then wait until they woke up the next morning and everyone would open their gifts and we would all go out to the Opryland Hotel and eat brunch, then come home and fall into a food coma. Nothing better.
Last year was my first year to not wake up at my parents house, but it was my first Christmas being married and we had Jake on Christmas Day. It was a really good day because we opened presents, then my parents, sister and her family and my aunt and uncle came over and we had Christmas lunch. Then we went to Lou's grandparents for Christmas Day night. It was different, but it was a good different and I was excited to wake up on Christmas morning with my still new husband and step-son and see Christmas in a different way.
So this year Lou had to work on Christmas Day. I have known that he would have to work every other Christmas Day since we started dating, and it does not bother me because we do our Christmas with Jake on Christmas Eve Morning.
I had in my head that we would do all the Christmas Eve festivities with Jake in the morning and then head to my parents, maybe hit up a Christmas Eve service and then eat the traditional finger foods at mom and dads. We would take Jake home that night, and Lou and I would go to bed early because he would have to get up and go to work the next morning. I would head over to my parents and the boys would arrive and they would open their presents from Santa, we would eat lunch, I would hang out until it was time to go and meet up with Lou to go to his family's Christmas celebration...it would be perfect! I was so excited because this was probably the last year that Braxton would really believe in Santa, or hopefully he still believed. Thatcher is still at a good age. So I was so thankful that I was going to be there when they got to see what Santa had delivered.
I texted my sister a few weeks before Christmas and asked when Jaime would be dropping the boys off and she said 4pm. My heart immediately sank. I would have to leave before they got there to go home and meet up with Lou. I knew this would be the first Christmas since they were born that I would not get to spend time with them. I could see my perfect Christmas unraveling. I knew that Susan and her man friend would also be leaving sometime early the next morning with the boys to go to Minnesota. It would be early early the next day, so I was not going to get to see them at all at Christmas. They were not here for Thanksgiving (I was banned due to flu exposure), and now Christmas. The one holiday I love more than anything. The one holiday I would do everything in my power to make perfect.
There was no talking anyone into staying so my parents and I could see the boys. I begged and pleaded and bawled my eyes out because I was absolutely devastated that I would not get to see them on Christmas Day. I could not bare the thought. I was told that if I wanted to see them, I would have to call my ex-brother in law.
So I did. And he was incredibly gracious enough to meet up with Lou, Jake, and myself to have lunch on Christmas Eve so I could see the boys. I cried as we left the restaurant because they are growing up so fast and I know that they won't really want to hang out with their Aunt Liz for much longer. Those are my kids, those are my boys - not really, but you know what I mean.
Christmas Eve morning Lou made breakfast and then we opened presents and it was just perfect. We turned on Christmas Vacation and then got ready to head to Shelbyville to meet Jamie and the boys. Then we headed to my parents house and did Christmas presents and finger foods and we skipped going to a Christmas Eve service because we needed to get Jake back so he could spend Christmas Eve with his mom and step dad and then Lou would have to go to bed early. It all worked out, but the boys were not there and it was weird.
Lou woke up early and went to work and I woke up a little later and finished my Advent devotional for the season. I really enjoyed doing my devotional and it really opened my eyes and made me more aware of Christmas.
I eventually got up and ready and headed to my parents house for brunch and then watched them open presents. (We opened ours the night before.) It just didn't seem like Christmas Day. I took a long nap and then headed back home to get ready to go to Lou's family Christmas. It was good, just still didn't feel like Christmas.
Maybe I have been expecting Christmas to always feel a certain way and go a certain way and I have such high expectations that I am crushed when they don't go the way I planned in my head. Maybe I am seeing how it is going to be from now on. Family scattered, no one is together, running around from house to house.
I have resigned myself to the fact that Christmas will never be like it was. There are going to be lots more where I don't see my nephews, where my parents won't see their grandkids, and no one gives a second thought. I kept thinking that maybe I was just being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas day with my nephews and parents if I couldn't be with my husband. And I got to be with my parents, so there is always a plus side to it.
I was just happy to get it over with. And I know it could be a lot worse and that I did get to see my nephews, but I am also allowed to wallow in my self pity for a few. There are so many changes happening that I just can't wrap my mind around and certain actions that just make me shake my head. I won't ever know why people act and do certain things, but I have always said that family comes first, and I have learned that family changes and families dissolve, but you always go back to family.
I am so thankful that Lou and I have our family with Jake and that we find joy in celebrating with him. Those moments made my Christmas.
I needed to get this out. I needed to talk about it and not have anyone say anything. I am tired of explaining why I am upset and being told I shouldn't be upset, but I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to vent my frustrations. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be about spending time with family. And I got to do that, just wish things would go back the way they were. With Lou and Jake included.
Just needed to write.
It's just the second day of Christmas, and I am going to start looking forward to the new year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)