Expectations

Lately I have been thinking a lot about expectations and not meeting them.  Mostly expectations of things I want to do and how I want things to turn out.

I told myself over and over again that Christmas this year was going to be better than ever.  Lou and I would take Jake out one night and go look at Christmas lights and all smile at the beauty.  That didn't happen.  Either Lou was sick, Jake was sick, or I was sick, or I had to work late, or we didn't have Jake on the weekend.  And the season slipped by once again.  I did want to go out one night, but it was rainy, so on Christmas Eve we took the non-interstate way home to take Jake to his mom's and I saw lots of lights.  That was our lights moment :)

I also told myself that one Friday when Jake was here we would bake chocolate chip cookies and all sit on the couches with the tree lit and watch Christmas movies.  See reasons above as to why that didn't happen.  I made some pumpkin bread, but that was about it.  And it wasn't my best.

I feel like I build things up so much in my mind and when they don't happen just the way I want them to, I feel like everything is ruined.  But it's not.  There are so many other moments that are happening around that make those missed ones seem unimportant.

I want to have a tree that is overflowing with presents wrapped in brown craft paper and a homemade tag that I saw on Pinterest with twine or ribbon wrapped perfectly around the package.  I used to LOVE to wrap presents.  The gross amount of wrapping paper that I still own will attest to that.  I LOVED to sit for hours and find the perfect sized box to put the present in and then wrap and make it look all pretty and then lay it under my tree.  Well this year, Lou did all the wrapping except for a few gifts, and at first I couldn't handle how he wrapped, but had to get over it.  Jake wrapped Lou's present, and at first I wanted to jump in and help, but I had to tell myself that it honestly does not matter what it comes in.  My mom always uses bags.  I couldn't stand it because I wanted to literally rip the paper off.  Now I like bags.

I feel like I always set myself up for failure.  I set my expectations so high that no one can obtain them.  There will never be a perfect Christmas, that happened over 2000 years ago.  There will always be lights to look at....stars in the sky, well once all this rain goes away.  There will always be cookies and movies...Chips A Hoy Reduced Fat Chocolate Chip Cookies are always on the shelf, and movies can be watched any time, not just at Christmas.  Wrapping paper isn't important...and the presents aren't either.

If you had talked to me last Christmas, I sounded like a complete and total spoiled brat.  I knew how much money I was getting and I was going to spend every penny on myself.  No one else.  And I threw a big ole fit when Lou suggested we pool our money together.  I'm talking heaving crying.  But all I knew was to spend my money on myself.  Now I have to share?  How dare anyone ask me to share?  Yeah.  Not my proudest moment.  Really can't believe I wrote it on here, but I want to be open and honest.

This year Lou and I unanimously agreed to take the money and pay off our only credit card.  We don't owe much at all but we don't want to owe.  And I was excited to get it paid off!  I don't need anything.  Lou and I exchanged gifts, but for once in my life I could not think of one single thing that I needed or wanted.  I was a little shocked myself.  Of course now I can think of a few things....but then on the Monday before Christmas our washing machine decided to stop working, well stop draining and then violently jerk.  So the money we were going to use to pay off our card now went to a new washer, thanks to my incredibly gracious parents.  We gotta have clean clothes.

I wrote in another post how devastated I was that Christmas was not going to be how I pictured it in my head.  And I have really let that get me down.  But why?  The parents and my coworkers all asked me how my Christmas was and I said pretty good.  But it was a good Christmas!  Was it how I wanted?  No.  But did I get to do all that I wanted and see who I wanted?  YES.  Were there times I wished I was at home with just Lou and I?  Of course.  But just because my expectations don't turn out the exact way I picture them doesn't mean everything is ruined.

I don't need the most expensive car or purse or piece of jewelry wrapped perfectly in brown craft paper with a custom bow from Pinterest.  I was happy watching Jake and Lou open their presents and my parents open theirs from each other.  I need to stop setting myself for failure, and it's not really a failure if I don't do all of those things, but they happen in their own way, even though it's not the perfect Christmas I picture in my mind. 

Just getting some thoughts out.