Christmas 2014

I'll be honest - this was not one of those Christmases I will be raving about for years and look back on.  It had some really really good parts, but there were other parts that were just down right not what I wanted to happen...

I have always dreamed what Christmas would be like growing up...and I will be honest, in years past it met every expectation...I loved spending the night at my parents house and since the boys had moved away they were always at mom and dads for Christmas and we would wait til they went to sleep and put out the presents and then wait until they woke up the next morning and everyone would open their gifts and we would all go out to the Opryland Hotel and eat brunch, then come home and fall into a food coma.  Nothing better.

Last year was my first year to not wake up at my parents house, but it was my first Christmas being married and we had Jake on Christmas Day.  It was a really good day because we opened presents, then my parents, sister and her family and my aunt and uncle came over and we had Christmas lunch.  Then we went to Lou's grandparents for Christmas Day night.  It was different, but it was a good different and I was excited to wake up on Christmas morning with my still new husband and step-son and see Christmas in a different way. 

So this year Lou had to work on Christmas Day.  I have known that he would have to work every other Christmas Day since we started dating, and it does not bother me because we do our Christmas with Jake on Christmas Eve Morning. 

I had in my head that we would do all the Christmas Eve festivities with Jake in the morning and then head to my parents, maybe hit up a Christmas Eve service and then eat the traditional finger foods at mom and dads.  We would take Jake home that night, and Lou and I would go to bed early because he would have to get up and go to work the next morning.  I would head over to my parents and the boys would arrive and they would open their presents from Santa, we would eat lunch, I would hang out until it was time to go and meet up with Lou to go to his family's Christmas celebration...it would be perfect!  I was so excited because this was probably the last year that Braxton would really believe in Santa, or hopefully he still believed.  Thatcher is still at a good age.  So I was so thankful that I was going to be there when they got to see what Santa had delivered. 

I texted my sister a few weeks before Christmas and asked when Jaime would be dropping the boys off and she said 4pm.  My heart immediately sank.  I would have to leave before they got there to go home and meet up with Lou.  I knew this would be the first Christmas since they were born that I would not get to spend time with them.  I could see my perfect Christmas unraveling.  I knew that Susan and her man friend would also be leaving sometime early the next morning with the boys to go to Minnesota.  It would be early early the next day, so I was not going to get to see them at all at Christmas.  They were not here for Thanksgiving (I was banned due to flu exposure), and now Christmas.  The one holiday I love more than anything.  The one holiday I would do everything in my power to make perfect. 

There was no talking anyone into staying so my parents and I could see the boys.  I begged and pleaded and bawled my eyes out because I was absolutely devastated that I would not get to see them on Christmas Day.  I could not bare the thought.  I was told that if I wanted to see them, I would have to call my ex-brother in law.

So I did.  And he was incredibly gracious enough to meet up with Lou, Jake, and myself to have lunch on Christmas Eve so I could see the boys.  I cried as we left the restaurant because they are growing up so fast and I know that they won't really want to hang out with their Aunt Liz for much longer.  Those are my kids, those are my boys - not really, but you know what I mean. 

Christmas Eve morning Lou made breakfast and then we opened presents and it was just perfect.  We turned on Christmas Vacation and then got ready to head to Shelbyville to meet Jamie and the boys.  Then we headed to my parents house and did Christmas presents and finger foods and we skipped going to a Christmas Eve service because we needed to get Jake back so he could spend Christmas Eve with his mom and step dad and then Lou would have to go to bed early.  It all worked out, but the boys were not there and it was weird. 

Lou woke up early and went to work and I woke up a little later and finished my Advent devotional for the season.  I really enjoyed doing my devotional and it really opened my eyes and made me more aware of Christmas. 

I eventually got up and ready and headed to my parents house for brunch and then watched them open presents.  (We opened ours the night before.)  It just didn't seem like Christmas Day.  I took a long nap and then headed back home to get ready to go to Lou's family Christmas.  It was good, just still didn't feel like Christmas.

Maybe I have been expecting Christmas to always feel a certain way and go a certain way and I have such high expectations that I am crushed when they don't go the way I planned in my head.  Maybe I am seeing how it is going to be from now on.  Family scattered, no one is together, running around from house to house. 

I have resigned myself to the fact that Christmas will never be like it was.  There are going to be lots more where I don't see my nephews, where my parents won't see their grandkids, and no one gives a second thought.  I kept thinking that maybe I was just being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas day with my nephews and parents if I couldn't be with my husband.  And I got to be with my parents, so there is always a plus side to it.

I was just happy to get it over with.  And I know it could be a lot worse and that I did get to see my nephews, but I am also allowed to wallow in my self pity for a few.  There are so many changes happening that I just can't wrap my mind around and certain actions that just make me shake my head.  I won't ever know why people act and do certain things, but I have always said that family comes first, and I have learned that family changes and families dissolve, but you always go back to family. 

I am so thankful that Lou and I have our family with Jake and that we find joy in celebrating with him.  Those moments made my Christmas. 

I needed to get this out.  I needed to talk about it and not have anyone say anything.  I am tired of explaining why I am upset and being told I shouldn't be upset, but I am allowed to be upset.  I am allowed to vent my frustrations.  It's Christmas.  It's supposed to be about spending time with family.  And I got to do that, just wish things would go back the way they were.  With Lou and Jake included. 

Just needed to write. 
It's just the second day of Christmas, and I am going to start looking forward to the new year.