Following My Heart?

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to do more?  

Or that you weren't given a chance to show your true colors?  

That your time was cut too short?  

That's how I feel about my teaching career.  

It's all I want to do. 

 It's all I think about.  

It's what my heart is telling me to do, but am I ever going to have another chance?  

It breaks my heart more than anything that I can't get interviews or that no one will even consider talking to me because I have a non-renewed teaching contract.  I will never know why I was let go, and that is so incredibly hard for me, even 2 years later.  All I have ever wanted to do is teach children.  I love it!  But why am I not there?  I have so many questions.  I just want to be able to show what I am capable of and how much I truly want to teach.  I know it's hard, I know it's changed, I know it's not what it used to be, but I still want to do it.  My heart aches because I can't get a teaching job.  

I am a true believer that it is all in God's time, and I know I am in my current position because God has placed me there and I feel like I do a pretty good job.  But if I am never supposed to teach again, how do I stop my heart from aching?  How do I let go of the dream I have had since I was little?

It took me a while to get to where I was a teacher, but for the 6 years I wasn't teaching, I knew I was supposed to.  Driving by a school and feeling the pang of knowing you are supposed to be there, and then going back to school to follow my dream, only to have a small chance and to have that chance crushed, it's hard.  It's really hard.  There is no way to explain it, but it's like crossing the finish line, and then telling you, you didn't do it the right way, so you don't win.  

I just don't know what I am supposed to do if I don't teach.  I am working in a school, I am surrounded by teachers and admins, and the kids, and I love it.  I love what I do, but I want to teach.  I want to watch the children grow and learn and love school.  I want to be able to be creative and show kids that learning is fun and there are so many opportunities in learning.  Also, I want them to know they matter and that they can do anything they want, regardless of what people say or what test scores show.

I know I should be past this.  It's been two years.  I've been told to get over it and find something new.  But when you have had something in your heart for so long and you know what you are capable of, how do you find something new?  How do you let go?  How do you give up?

Do I let go, give up, find something new?  Will I still have this longing in my heart to teach?

I don't think it will ever go away.  I don't think I will ever stop wanting to teach.

I don't want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the opportunities I have been given, because I am completely grateful and so incredibly thankful.

I just want to teach.

Bottom line.