Sunday, February 9, 2014

Following My Heart?

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to do more?  
Or that you weren't given a chance to show your true colors?  
That your time was cut too short?  

That's how I feel about my teaching career.  
It's all I want to do. 
 It's all I think about.  
It's what my heart is telling me to do, but am I ever going to have another chance?  

It breaks my heart more than anything that I can't get interviews or that no one will even consider talking to me because I have a non-renewed teaching contract.  I will never know why I was let go, and that is so incredibly hard for me, even 2 years later.  All I have ever wanted to do is teach children.  I love it!  But why am I not there?  I have so many questions.  I just want to be able to show what I am capable of and how much I truly want to teach.  I know it's hard, I know it's changed, I know it's not what it used to be, but I still want to do it.  My heart aches because I can't get a teaching job.  

I am a true believer that it is all in God's time, and I know I am in my current position because God has placed me there and I feel like I do a pretty good job.  But if I am never supposed to teach again, how do I stop my heart from aching?  How do I let go of the dream I have had since I was little?

It took me a while to get to where I was a teacher, but for the 6 years I wasn't teaching, I knew I was supposed to.  Driving by a school and feeling the pang of knowing you are supposed to be there, and then going back to school to follow my dream, only to have a small chance and to have that chance crushed, it's hard.  It's really hard.  There is no way to explain it, but it's like crossing the finish line, and then telling you, you didn't do it the right way, so you don't win.  

I just don't know what I am supposed to do if I don't teach.  I am working in a school, I am surrounded by teachers and admins, and the kids, and I love it.  I love what I do, but I want to teach.  I want to watch the children grow and learn and love school.  I want to be able to be creative and show kids that learning is fun and there are so many opportunities in learning.  Also, I want them to know they matter and that they can do anything they want, regardless of what people say or what test scores show.

I know I should be past this.  It's been two years.  I've been told to get over it and find something new.  But when you have had something in your heart for so long and you know what you are capable of, how do you find something new?  How do you let go?  How do you give up?

Do I let go, give up, find something new?  Will I still have this longing in my heart to teach?
I don't think it will ever go away.  I don't think I will ever stop wanting to teach.

I don't want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the opportunities I have been given, because I am completely grateful and so incredibly thankful.

I just want to teach.
Bottom line.
 


Saturday, February 8, 2014

Remembering My Childhood

Do you ever sit back and think about the good ole days?  Things you used to own?

 There are all of those lists on Buzzfeed and Zimbio, and they made me nostalgic.
Here are 20 things that will always remember from when I was growing up.  Just a little fun look back...

#1
I had a sweatshirt that had lip kisses all over it.  I swear I probably wore it everyday.
This is one similar, but I will always remember my original.

 #2
Jams.  I only had one pair, and I lost them sometime when they were popular, but I loved them.  
If I can remember correctly, I had an orange pair.






#3
Jelly Shoes.  I love my jelly shoes, even though they rubbed horrible blisters.
I had a clear pair.


 #4
The Limited Sweatshirts.  I never had one personally, but every person I knew owned one.  Especially at the skating rink.  That was all anyone wore!





#5
Tapered Jeans/Tight-Rolled Jeans.  Enough Said.



#6
Benneton Colors Perfume.  My sister had some and I know I would sneak a few squirts every now and then.  I can't remember what it smelled like, but I knew my sister had to have it.

#7
K-Swiss shoes.  I loved these when I was in the 7th and 8th grade!

#8
I would wear my K-Swiss with my Umbros.  
I'm almost positive these were the exact colors and style of the pair I had. 

#9
T-Shirt Clips

#10
Rompers.  I LOVED these!!  It was like wearing a dress with pants!!  I had a white one that had different color buttons down the front and it was sleeveless, so I could put a different color t-shirt underneath.  It looked like a clown outfit.

#11
Bodysuits.  I never owned one, but I didn't want to.  It was like wearing a leotard to school.

#12
Scrunch Socks.  2 socks on 1 foot, alternating colors on each foot.  Sweaty feet!


#13
Wicker Sandals.  I had a white pair.  Loved them!

#14
Eastlands.  Only problem was that I could never tie the laces up in the little rolls.

#15
Bucks.  Everyone had these.  

#16
Hello Kitty and Sanrio Surprises.  I can't tell you how many times we visited that store in Hickory Hollow Mall and how much stuff I had that had "Elizabeth" or "Lizzie" painted on.  I had sooooo much stuff.





#17
I LOVED Lisa Frank!  Folders, stationary - which I still have, pens, pencils, etc.  Such cute stuff!

#18
HyperColor T-shirts.  So cool!

#19
Reebok Hightops.  I had a white pair I think.

#20
I had sooooo much New Kids stuff.  It was crazy.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Recipe - Cheesy Chicken Noodle

My grandmother used to make this when we would go to her house in Arkansas and all of the cousins LOVED it!!  Mom would make it every once in a while, but my dad wasn't a fan, so it was special when we had it.  I decided to try my hand at it after we got married because I wanted to cook more...well...Lou LOVES it!!  He asks for it a lot, so I feel good about cooking it!!  

Here is the easy peasy recipe...

Ingredients:
3 chicken breasts
No Yolks Pasta
A huge brick of Velveeta
2 cans of Cream of Chicken soup


Directions:
Cook chicken, (or use canned chicken, or cut up rotisserie chicken)
 Nothing like the look of raw chicken in the afternoon.

Boil the pasta and drain, but leave about 3/4 inch water in pan with pasta
Cut up Velveeta into small chunks (easier to melt)
Add Velveeta to pasta
Add both cans of Cream of Chicken to pasta
Cut up the chicken and throw into the mix.
Stir it up a bit and WALLA!
Ready to serve!


 Enjoy!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

34th Birthday Re-Cap

Today was pretty awesome!  I took a personal day from work, and I can be somewhat of a control freak and worrier when it comes to work, but I have a fantabulous assistant site leader and a magnificent staff, so I had a worry free day!  I know they will call if needed and I tell them to, so they know I am not completely MIA.  I got to sleep in a little - Lou's alarm still went off at 4:45, and I set an alarm to remind me to take my meds at 7 am, but it was nice not to have to jump in the shower and head out into the cold this morning.  And it was about 15 degrees this morning.

I had a few things planned today and my mom came over at 10:30 and we headed to Hobby Lobby to get a print that I have had for 2 years framed.  It's a picture of Rainbow Row in Charleston, SC.  I love to go to Charleston, thanks to my great friends Ashley and Chandler.  I just love everything about it, and now my cousin lives there so it's perfect!  Once I get the frame hung, I will take a picture of it.  

We then headed to Olive Garden to meet my dad for lunch.  I usually go to the Franklin Chop House to eat for my birthday (probably have done that the last 6 or 7 years), but I wanted something different and didn't want to drive to Franklin.  It was a great lunch!  The salad is my favorite and then I got the chicken alfredo which is always good!

We left and I dropped mom off at her car and I went to get a manicure and a pedicure.  I tried a new place today and I really like it.  Of course I messed up my thumb nail, but no one but me will notice. 

Stopped by and picked up Papa Murphy's for dinner and then came home and took a nap.  I slept right through dinner and woke up sometime after Lou took Jake to karate.  Got up, ate some pizza and of course some leftover cake and relaxed the rest of the night.  

I have learned as I get older that I don't need huge parties, but just being with family and friends is what I need.  Now when I turn 40 and hit my mid-life crisis, I may want a party, but for now I am good.  

I even watched a half episode of Full House.  

I always take a picture of myself on my birthday whether I look good or not, and I like to look back and remember that day.  

I am truly blessed on my birthday and everyday!



It's My Birthday!!

In honor of my 34th birthday...here are 34 things you may not know about me...but chances are you do because if you have been around me you know I tell too much...

1.  I have always wanted to be a dancer on Broadway.  I took dance for 13 years and loved every minute of it.  I still dance around the house and choreograph dances in my head while listening to music, mainly while driving.

2.  I love to sing.  And of course I could win American Idol.  In my car with no one hearing me.  I do my best singing on my trips to Memphis.  I have time to build my confidence and really get into the character of the song I am singing.

3.  I love Vera Bradley.  The other day I was at a meeting and I realized that I had a VB key chain, eye glasses case, notebook, my phone with a VB case, and planner.  All in my VB purse.  And that isn't even the start of my collection.  I have tamed down a bit because I have a lot.

4.  I am a TV junkie.  I have always loved to watch TV.  Yeah, I know there is a whole big world out there, and since the invention of DVR, I have enjoyed that world more and haven't been a slave to the TV, but I still love it.  I will still watch Full House if it is on and I am home and bored.

5.  I have traveled to England (1998) and Japan (2006).  LOVED LOVED LOVED England and went as a senior in high school.  Japan was okay.  I went for a missions conference that was great, but the food and culture was so different.  Rice for 5 days for all three meals gets a bit old.  Not sure I would go again, but I still want to travel internationally.

6.  I still have the pair of Birkenstocks that I got when I was 13 and in the 7th grade.  My sister went shopping for shoes to wear when she went to England in 1993 for her senior trip.  I just happen to try on a pair of Birks, honestly not knowing much about them, except everyone had that type of sandals.  They cost enough so I thought I would keep them.  They are still as comfy as ever and I wear them every once in a while!  21 years.

7.  I have seen Keith Urban in concert 8 times.  I think.  New Year's Eve 2002, and I really didn't like him then (I was there to see Kenny Chesney), at the Ryman in 2005, Kansas City, Huntsville, Knoxville, Nashville 3 times: once in concert, and then twice at festivals.  I used to be a concert junkie when I lived with my parents because I could afford it.  I have gone to a lot of concerts and still love to go!!

8.  I love the beach.  I didn't like to get into the water at all because of a story my sister told me when I was four that sharks didn't like pink bathing suits and I have had a aversion to the water since then, but this past summer I got in and went out pretty far!  Loved it!!  I will not go swimming in a lake or river if a. I can't see below and/or b. It wasn't made for the purposes of swimming only.  I won't go in Percy Priest Lake because who knows how many dead bodies are on the bottom and I am not going to be the one to find them.

9.  I love to eat.  I love chocolate, ice cream (with chocolate of course), sandwiches, popcorn, hint of lime Tostitos, guacamole, pasta, steak, peanut butter, you name it.

10.  Most times I can be doing something, I will say something, or someone else will say something or do something, and a song or a tv show or movie will pop into my head.  When moving Lou's stuff into the house, we were hauling a mattress up the stairs and all I could think about was the Friends episode where Ross bought a new couch and was trying to get it up the stairs and was yelling out "PIVOT!  PIVOT!!"  Another time my mom was helping me get the house really clean before Lou moved in and she said she was getting weak in the knees from sitting on them and I started to sing "I Get Weak in the Knees" by Vince Gill.  I hadn't heard that song in years and it just popped in.  There are so many more instances, but I'm only on #10.

11.  I don't like watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes, kiwi, melon, apples, most fruits for that matter.  Just never liked them.  I have tried them all.  I do like bananas, clementines (mainly because I can peel them, but I love the taste), and pineapple.  I will eat cooked/baked apples, drink apple juice, and eat apple sauce, just not apples.  

12.  I am a hoarder.  It's getting better now that Lou is here, but man, the stuff I collected was out of control.  I still hoard pens, pencils, markers, and journals.  Maybe I am supposed to be a writer haha!

13.  I want to run a half-marathon one day.  And I will.  One day.  Need to start running.

14.  I am very hard on myself.  I want to always do everything right the first time, but I know I will always make mistakes and I am not perfect.  I work harder, not smarter.  It works for me.  I know it gets done and I know it will be done the way I want it done.  I am learning to let go a little, but it's still hard.

15.  I have the most random memory that many times I won't say anything because I know people will think I am weird.  And I am.  I don't know how I remember some of these things.  I am afraid I will scare people.  I can just remember the most random things ever.

16.  I am a Fanilow.  Yes, I am a Barry Manilow Fan.  I grew up watching Copacabana, and I didn't appreciate his talent until many years later, but I think he is great!

HALFWAY THERE!!  

17.  When I went to college, I joined a sorority where I knew no one.  Well, I ended up knowing people who joined with me, but didn't know they were going to be in the same one until that day.  I was the girl who didn't like going to the bathroom by herself, much less join a huge group of women that I didn't know.  But I did and it was the best decision!  I was even President!

18.  I tend to stay up later at night when I have to go to work the next day, and go to bed early when I have the next day off.  I think I want the day to last a little longer.  Of course the next day I am bone tired and go to bed early.

19.  In my next life, I want to be a dance teacher.  Along with choreographing dances in my head, I have costumes, hair, make-up, all of it down.  This is more prominent during Christmas when I listen to Christmas music non-stop.  I have a dance to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You", and Elton John's "Step Into Christmas", ready to go, as well as Michael Buble's remake of Bing Crosby and the Andrews' Sisters "Jingle Bells".

20.  My main goal this year is to read through the Bible, or at least get through most of it.  I want to understand it.  I get stuck at Leviticus.  It's tough.

21.  I can't read between the lines.  If you want me to know something, tell it to me straight.  I can't do hints.  Case in point...when I was in college in an English Comp class, we had to explicate (I don't even know if that's the right word) a poem, basically interpreting what the author was really trying to say.  We had three to choose from, and this was our final exam...I sat there for what seemed like forever and finally just picked the one I could kinda decipher.  So from what I could tell it was about the Crucifixion and Mary.  I turned in my paper, left the class and some friends who were in the class were waiting outside.  We were talking about which poem we picked and they picked the same one I did.  They wrote about sex.  I was mortified that I had turned a poem about sex into an explanation of the Crucifixion.  I emailed my professor and told him how sorry I was, and he emailed me back saying something about how he hadn't thought of it that way and gave me a good grade!  Yeah, epic moment right there.

22.  I bought two left shoes one time.  And didn't realize it until I got them to where I needed to be and put them on and tried to walk.  It was rush week and it was my first time on the sorority side and those are some long weeks, but great weeks.  It was pref night and I maybe had 3 hours of sleep.  I ran into Wal-Mart to get a pair of black heels.  Tried one on, ran to the check-out and got to campus.  Put both shoes on in the car, got out and noticed something wasn't right.  Looked down and sure enough, I had two left shoes.  That was fun explaining it to the customer service lady when returning them.

23.  I wear glasses with my contacts.  I have really bad eyes.  Really bad.  People will tell me they have bad eyes and will tell me they wear a -3.5 contact power.  Mine is -8.5.  Then they look at me like I have a third eye.  I also have a bad astigmatism, and I can't wear the astigmatism contacts, so I wear glasses to read, but I wear them all the time.

24.  I love the cold weather.  I know that sounds crazy, but I would rather be cold than hot any day.  I love to wear jeans and sweaters and fleeces and hoodies and scarves.  But then I love my flip flops.

ONLY 10 MORE TO GO!!

25.  I love snow.  There is something magical about it.  I love to see it falling and I hate that it hasn't really stuck here.  I want a REALLY good snow.  I can remember being at my parents house in Nolensville and it had snowed a ton, and I went outside, plopped down, and made a snow angel.  It was great!  I also want to go sledding.  I didn't go real sledding until I was 23.  I had gone tubing, but this was so different and I loved it!

26.  I have a huge rubbermaid container in my closet full of craft projects.  Unfinished wood frames, wood letters, a few blank canvases, blank wood pieces...and then in my armoire I have fabric, ribbon, and more craft stuff!!  I have all these ideas, just can't get motivated to do them, or the thought of having to get the paint out, get the brushes out, and then of course clean up afterwards exhausts me, so I just go do something else.

27.  I want to drive across country and see all the major sites.  There are so many amazing things to see right here in our own country, and I think it would be cool to pack up the car and just go.  I am dying to go to New York City.  I have been to San Francisco and I LOVED it!!  There are also a few places I want to visit overseas.  Greece being one of them.  I want to go back to England and stay long enough to see even more than I saw before.  I want to go to Germany, Scotland, Paris, Fiji, Rio, lots of places.

28.  I have a Bachelors degree in Health Education with an emphasis on Community and Public Health.  I worked for a Dept. of Human Services grant program working with child care centers doing trainings and technical assistance.  I then took a job in Memphis and was back home within 46 hours.  Short story.  Then got a job with the Tennessee Health Department as a Public Health Educator with the Public Health Emergency Preparedness Program.  I know more than I want to know.  I quit my job to go to graduate school full time and got my Master of Education degree.  I did interims for a year and then taught 4th grade for a year.  I wasn't hired back, and it took a while, but I found my current job working as a site leader for a before and after school care program (SACC) with Williamson County Schools.  I love it and the people I work with!  I can guarantee the people I worked with at the state would not believe that I get to work by 6:15 in the morning.

29. I love to get dressed up and go out, but there are days I don't want to do anything but stay in my pajamas and watch movies.  I get to dress pretty casual for work, and especially in the winter it is mostly jeans, but I love to wear dresses and capris and dress up a little more in the spring and summer.  My closet is very random.  I have some cute fashion forward clothing, but I rarely wear it, because I am all about comfort.  I'm getting old.  HAHA!

30.  I have the nose of a bloodhound.  I can smell just about anything and if a guy walks in wearing cologne I can sometimes tell you exactly what they are wearing.  I can also pick up on other scents as well.  Lou has a better nose than me since his surgery.  It's scary how far off he can smell things. 

31.  I have never broken a bone.  Can you tell I am reaching for things?  I may have broken my toe in college, but the xrays never showed anything broken.  But it hurt.  I did stick a nut (of a nut and bolt set) up my nose and had to go to the ER to get it pried out.  Fun times. 

32.  Also while in college I was bit by a spider 17 times.  I was at my parents house and they never went upstairs while I was gone so it was dark and a great place for a spider to hide.  I first had a bite on my finger that was bad so the doc put me on antibiotics, and then 2 weeks later I was home again and it took revenge on me for invading it's space. 

33.  Back to more normal stuff - I have two of the most amazing nephews in the world, the best parents a girl could ask for and family anyone could ask for.  I am blessed!!

34.  I truly have the best husband.  He puts up with my constant questioning, badgering, worrying, all that fun stuff.  He makes me laugh daily and it is never a dull moment.  It's scary, but a funny scary,  sometimes going out in public with him because I never know what he is going to say!  But I wouldn't trade him for the world.  I waited a long time and I just smile daily because he is mine :). 

If you made it through, congrats!  You win the joy of knowing some very random stuff about me!! 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Unworthy

I have gone back and forth about posting this...I started it days ago and wasn't sure if it was something I wanted out there - but maybe others are feeling the same way...maybe I am in a world all my own...

So many times there are so many things I want to say, of course I am in the most horrible places to write these things down - going to the bathroom, sitting in the tub, driving down the road - those are my thinking places.  It all sounds good in my head and then I have to remember what I wanted to say...so here is my attempt...

Do you ever feel unworthy?  Like what you aren't doing isn't measuring up to others?  I'm talking about sharing my faith - showing my faith - living my faith.  I read and see so many people and it just pours from their mouths like poetry and it's not all up in your face, but what I need to hear.  But then I think about doing that myself and I get shy.  I don't want my parents to know that I am growing in my faith.  Why?  I don't want to tell people.  Why?  Am I afraid they will think that all I will talk about is Jesus?  Am I worried that I won't live up to what I want to do?  I don't even want to put things on here that my parents will read about church and Jesus.  Why?  Am I afraid they will be proud of me?  What is my problem????

When I was growing up, I would ask my dad questions about church.  I wanted a one sentence answer, but being the daughter of a preacher, I got a whole lot more.  And it got to a point in the conversation where I would simply say, "I don't want to hear anymore."  I needed simple answers, but my dad was not about simple answers.  I probably stuck my fingers in my ears a few times when he wouldn't stop talking.  Being honest here.

I still have lots of questions, and I know where to go, but I don't.  Not like I should.  I read blogs and I am so jealous of their outpouring of faith and the churches they go to and the women's ministries they are a part of and all these women in their life who are amazing mentors.  Yes, I am jealous.  I want that.  I want to go to a church and not look at someone who raises their hands like they grew a tail.  It's not what I grew up with, and it was very odd when someone did it the first time, but why on earth did I judge them for praising in their own way.  I want to go to a church or have a group of women who I can meet with and study the Bible, talk about things, laugh together, cry together, pray together.  I want to be involved in a church that fits me and what I need.  I have always said I did not like contemporary churches because of the bands and music, and wanted to stay in a more traditional church that sang hymns out of the hymnal, because that's what I grew up in - and I love it, but maybe I need more.

And here I am wondering what others will think of me for writing this.  What are my parents going to think.  What is my husband going to think (if he reads this)?

WHY AM I SO WORRIED?!?!?!?!  I feel bad for worrying and then start to worry what God thinks of me.  Yep, I have some issues.

I worry way too much about what people think of me.  I worry they will not like me, or make fun of me, or something.  I have all these ideas in my head about what I want to do, what I want to be like, what I know I should be doing...the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  That should be scrolling across my forehead. 

I pray every day, every night; I have been listening to Christian music and it makes a difference; I have been trying to keep up with my devotional, I need to do it in the morning.  So what am I so afraid of?  Am I afraid that something will happen and change me? 

I have grown up in church.  All I ever knew was church.  But was I really open?  I read a really good quote today from an author and blogger I have been following...


Not that there is anything wrong with a great sermon series...

I know I am rambling, and even started this post days ago, but afraid to really put myself out there....
I have even had nightmares about my losing a tooth and having my big toenail fall off - and I looked up dream interpretations and they both go along with fearing the disapproval of others.  Go figure....

I just want to be me, but a better version of me.  Maybe I have given myself the answer by writing this.  Maybe I have known the answer all along. 



Saturday, January 11, 2014

Happy Birthday Dad!!

Today my dad turns 71!  He is the greatest man I know!
Here are a few reasons why my dad is the best!

#1
He can build just about anything.  He has built shelves, tables, chairs, dressers, night stands, used to make pie boxes and decorative carousel horses.  I'm pretty sure he has built more.  There are many pieces of furniture that I have had in my house that are made by him.  They are solid and will last for a long time!  He is talented!


#2
He is one of the hardest working men I know.  Even as a semi-retired pastor, he runs and runs and takes care and answers the calls of the people in the church. 


#3
He never missed a dance recital, game where we were cheering, softball game, etc.  He was always there for us.  He may have hung out in the lobby until it was time for us to dance, be he was there.  He also danced in the recital with my sister and then with me.


#4
He loves his grand kids so much!!  The picture above is from Thatcher's 2nd birthday party and I can remember going over to mom and dad's house a week before we were going to the party and he had his boots and hat set out.  He was ready!


#5
I got my amazing driving skills from him!!  I don't know how he didn't throw me out of the car some days, but he put up with my fits and screaming and crying while trying to learn how to drive a stick shift.  I was also very bratty about having to learn, but he always told me it was good to know in case of emergencies.  No emergencies have come up yet, but at least I know how to drive a stick shift!


#6
He always wanted and still wants the best for my sister and me.  He has done and still does his best to teach us basic skills we need.  How to check the oil, how to change a tire, how to get rid of a stuffy nose.  Random things, but things that are important.  Both dad and mom have always provided our needs and we may have wanted things, but we never went without the basics.


#7
He walked me down the aisle and then performed the wedding ceremony with Lou's grandpa.
I couldn't have imagined anyone else in that role.
 

#8
When my mom was sick in the hospital, he never left her side.  Growing up I barely saw my dad cry and when I did it was odd, but to truly see how much he loves my mom was something that will never leave me.  He went every single day to see her and drover her to therapy and then to her radiation treatments every single day.  He also drove her to work until she could drive herself.


#9
He was a tough love dad, but looking back it was the best thing for me.  He loved us more than anything, but didn't kept us humble and gave us hearts for serving.  Not sure if he knows that, but now he does :)


#10
He has touched so many lives in his life, that I can only dream to be like him.  He has been there for so many people and has done so much for others.  He is truly a man of God!


Love you dad!!